Dear Parents (from a parent), 

 

When Merrill was around 5 or 6, we brought her to the Child Studies Center at a prestigious academic research institution in our area to get a second opinion on her diagnosis. There were graduate students doing the diagnostic testing, and there was one-way glass set up for the interview. We sat on one side, while Merrill sat on the other.

 

It appeared that when Merrill got to the point of frustration, she began diverting and just didn’t want to participate anymore. Unfortunately (and quite ironically), the student didn’t seem to have a good grasp on what to do in this situation, and wasn’t able to handle Merrill’s behavior. 

 

Eventually, the student brought Merrill into the room with us. However, showing Merrill that we were behind the one-way glass gave Merrill the road map for her exit strategy and was not the right course of action. In terms of behaviors and challenges associated, we had seen this avoidance behavior before. 

 

With Merrill, we learned that giving her the right choices really mattered. If the child is unsafe, the parents need to be engaged. However, to engage a child who doesn’t want to do the work, being curious and saying something like: “It seems like this is hard for you…tell me what you’re thinking and feeling right now” could be useful. Sometimes if your child isn’t the best at communicating, giving them a choice is a way to more-easily engage them, and allow them to feel they have some control.

 

It’s important to let your child know that you see that they're not engaging with the task, and then asking them how they feel. Provide the choice as a direct follow up to their answer about how they're feeling: "Since the activity we were doing isn't working for you, how about we change it up. Would you rather do X activity next? Or would you rather do Y?” This approach might help re-engage the child while making them feel seen, safe and empowered. 

 

Encourage them. If the work is hard, ask them if they want to try THIS or THAT. Merrill always responded well when she had a choice. This gave Merrill agency in the process; it gave her the level of control she needed. 

 

In this story/example, perhaps what the student could have done was ask “Would you like to do X game or Y game first? They are both really fun, but which would you like to do first?” Giving this simple choice is pivotal. However, they should be choices you’re comfortable with. 

 

If it appears your child needs to take a break, saying: “We can take a break, after we answer three more questions.” If you don’t want the child to leave the room, you can say: “For your break, let’s play a game that you choose”. Set the timer for however long you’d like the break to be, and play the game you choose for that amount of time. 

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What was actually happening?

 

Merrill simply needed CHOICE to be presented to her. In this case, the right choices. For example, not to give her the option to leave the room, but just giving her options that are already on YOUR agenda. 

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Things I’d recommend to help your child in a situation like this:

 

• Presenting choices from your agenda

• Ensuring you’re preparing your child in advance: I think preparing Merrill in advance -- describing what the experience was going to be like, and to some extent WHY we were going for testing (i.e. what the benefit would be to MERRILL) would have made this a more productive experience.

• Letting your child know there will be a reward: Also, potentially letting Merrill know that she would earn a reward or prize after she participated -- and outlining, say, three things that were expected of her in terms of 'participation'.  (I made up the number 3, figuring it's a small enough number to be remembered. If there's really only 1 or 2 key expectation(s), that's even better!)